(Author’s note: The Bump had a recent article on its website entitled Back Off, Grandma! It offered advice on how to smooth a rocky relationship with a meddlesome grandma. It was good advice but I felt compelled to add a little more perspective from “Grandma.”)
Poor Grandma. Poor Mama. We do get ourselves in big muddles sometimes, don’t we? It’s all part of being our awesome multi-tasking, all-knowing grownup/little girl dictators of our domains. If we relinquish too much power our worlds may spin out of control.
Okay, let’s take a deep breath on both sides and look at each other. No, don’t run screaming because you see that it’s actually a mirror image! Grandmas, don’t you see your younger selves? So proud, so happy, so tired, a little bit insecure, maybe a little bit irritated with YOUR mother-in-law? And Mamas, project yourselves into the future, NOT being in charge and NOT having any control over that precious baby in your arms after making the raising of this child your life’s work. Kind of scary, right?
We are playing for the same team. We just need to remember our positions. Do you know what my daughter-in-law says to me a lot when I ask her if she has any particular instructions when my husband and I babysit? She says, “You know what you’re doing. I trust you.” Isn’t that brilliant? It makes me want to honor any instructions she and my son do put on a list. Ironically, it elevates them to EXPERT because they show confidence in themselves and in us.
On the flip side, I try not to say much if it’s not important. And if I do comment it’s often in the form of a question. Doctor recommendations DO change over time. Most of us Grandma’s just want to be acknowledged when we make a comment.
Mamas, recognize that if this is a competition you are the undisputed winner from the start. There was a TV show a while back about a family of dinosaurs. The baby dinosaur only knew one name. MAMA. When asked who anyone else is, the baby would say NOT THE MAMA. That about sums it up. You are the SUN to your baby, the hottest brightest most important planet in his or her universe. Daddy is the all important Moon. And God bless you if you have to be the sun and the moon to your child.
As Grandmas, most of us know we had our day being the Sun. We just want to be a twinkly star in your child’s universe. As I write this, we are preparing for our 2 ½ year old granddaughter Ava to come for an overnight visit so that Mama and Daddy can have some alone time. Remember that? ALONE TIME. Now isn’t Grandma looking better and better?